Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
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A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
dutch is not a serious language
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.