Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

How about daylight saves us for once

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

mood

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?