Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
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me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
My love language is hissing.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I bet birds love this building.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Spotted in the wild
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again