Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me