Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

When I snag the last meatball.

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

u guys got any snacks onboard here

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*