why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
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[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.