Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

Breaking news:

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

This one never gets the credit it deserves

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.