Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
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my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach