Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This story is comedy gold 😂

*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

🤝

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad