Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”