Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.

Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.

The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!

WHY?

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

Life cycle of cat

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?