Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
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So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.