Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! đ
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Strangers are friends you havenât met yet.
Friends are lovers you havenât kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you havenât killed yet.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didnât understand how cars worked beforeâŚ
When your daughter asks âare your snacks more important than me??â you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking Iâm going to destroy you but it turns out Iâve got absolutely nothing.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, thatâs not my name and I think youâve had enough.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think âughâ. Not because Iâm disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendantâs house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
A pie where there isnât pastry on the bottom isnât a pie. Itâs soup with a hat.
Stop.
As all of evolution expected, Iâve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to âcome at me,â and it did.
Dear 2019: I donât want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
âDescribe your last relationship.â
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that wonât move ahead but also wonât let anyone else by.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
my son just told me that i have a âfixed mindsetâ and he has a âgrowth mindsetâ so heâs banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
canât talk rn Iâm busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Europe. Made in Germany.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Me: Youâre asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, itâs called ThursdayâŚ
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Donât do it
Me: heâs all right