Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird