Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
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Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
found my next D&D character name
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
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“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage