Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
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“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Simple enough.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?