Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

it’s a van. how do they not know this

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.