Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

Passwords are more important than ever.

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>