Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

Bill is short for Billiam