why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
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This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue piesOkay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!