Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
You Might Also Like
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.