Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
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Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.