The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
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Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?