why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
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If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Me sliding into hell like
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do