@: why do men take selfies like they're being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
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@prufrockluvsong: Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp. Me:How do you pronounce that? *sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
@Darlainky: Me: Want to see me do The Robot? Friend: Sure. Me: Friend: Why aren't you moving? Me: Updating software.
@ch000ch: a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say "they've escaped. don't run. just walk very fast."