Why do meteors always land in craters?
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Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
“What?”
– Jude
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done