Why do meteors always land in craters?
You Might Also Like
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Good morning, Twitter x
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?