Why do meteors always land in craters?
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Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Software Development ⛵️
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”