Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.