Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”