Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
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The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.