Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
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OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog