Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
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Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.