Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

never compromise your values

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.