Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

Sorry not sorry.

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!