Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.

Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”