Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.