Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

🤣🤣🤣

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

“That’s what” – She