Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
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[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.