Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
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“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.