Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.