Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*