Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
You Might Also Like
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I鈥檓 not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can鈥檛 find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn鈥檛 you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you鈥檙e a natural
When you鈥檙e on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you鈥檙e just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
The Joker was right
My kid when he鈥檚 in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it鈥檚 so wet like I don鈥檛 know what he鈥檚 doing
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
If I don鈥檛 win Mega Millions tonight, I鈥檓 going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.馃槩”
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
rip to my favourite tweet
I guess I shouldn鈥檛 have had 3 cookies… Now, I鈥檓 being judged.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car鈥檚 extended warranty.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.