“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
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GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
buys donuts instead
*names my little horse OneTrick*
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eelsI didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.