“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
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ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I was just discussing this with my cat
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.