why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
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I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.