@StellaRtwot: Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you're on a swing?
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@carlyken: "I'd like one personal pizza please" Pizza: Your life's a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother. "Whoa maybe not that personal"
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him- Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don't do that
@AndrewNadeau0: I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.