Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Fights fire with marshmallows
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?