Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
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My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Breaking news:
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”