Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
How many? 🤔
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Yoga Matt
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.