Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
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Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
This one never gets the credit it deserves
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.