Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

A fake ID that makes you younger

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

What personal space?

My dog

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty