Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
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*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
That’s enough internet for the day
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..