Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
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Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch