Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
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You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
A man of commitment.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?