Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.