Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

Need this in my life lol

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face