Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
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[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Damn what did I do next
My dad.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.