Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
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my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Can’t, holding a grudge
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*