Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police