Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
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[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.