Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
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I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean