Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
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She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.