Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
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“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
How does one answer this?
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free