Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
*performs CPR on the turkey*