Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.