[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
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The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
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Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
*3.5 thank you very much.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries