Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
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Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Buying a well is money well spent.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
SONOFA
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”