Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
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First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
My five year plan is a meteorite
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease