Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

no their not