Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

Why is no one talking about this?!

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.