Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown