Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]