Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
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me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog