Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
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GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Lmao
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*