Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
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Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo