Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what my late-night hot pocket sees

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

Lmfao

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.