Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

spicy snake

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.

7: Noooooo, it’s booties!

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.