Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
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cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”