Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
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Huge if true.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
When you’re here for the treats.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.