Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
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If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
it’s the silliest best thing
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ