Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.