Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
You Might Also Like
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”